What if you are not here when I come back.

When does reality really hit? It felt like I was going to home FOREVER when I first got here.  Now the weeks seem to have flown but, and there is not enough time n these last few days.  I woke up with a start the other night, panicked- I cant leave.  I thought.  What if Jessi is not here when I get back?  Then what?  Everything seems okay right now-- we are all here.  But am I just delusional.  Am I in my own crazy denial.  The truth is.  She may not be here.  She may be here.  She may be here when we come back for her birthday in July.  She may be here in 2 or three birthdays in July.  Who knows.  But that fear.  When you feel like you are 3 years old again, panicked and lost.  Its real.  Its about as real as it gets.